Isolation Spirals: Legalism & Perfectionism
This is Part 2 of a series on “Isolation Spirals!” Read the full intro post for some background on the concept here →
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Here’s the big idea as a recap: life is hard. life hurts. So we seek momentary relief to avoid that pain and the bigger issues behind it. And those momentary painkillers have unintended long-term effects. They end up creating distance from the people that we need to be close to - the people that we need to help us heal.
Our coping mechanisms are unconscious protection from others getting to our vulnerable place - the place where we can be wounded. They push us away from people because people are the ones who could hurt us.
The biggest problem with any coping mechanism isn’t the behavior or substance itself: it’s the ISOLATION that it causes.
On that note, let’s talk about the isolating effect of legalism and perfectionism.
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Perfectionism seems like a personal issue, right? An internal struggle against anxiety, insecurity, or fear that I’m not good enough for God or even for my own standards.
But right there, we start to see a deeper relational issue: perfectionism is a desperate battle for acceptance. And acceptance comes from others.
The problem behind perfectionism and legalism is actually judgments.
Judgments are an assumption about your character, based on your behavior. They don’t say you did something bad; they say you are something bad. Judgments are one of the most powerful unconscious things that we avoid - they are a fast track to lasting heart wounds. We’ve all been judged at some point in our lives, and our hearts don’t let us forget those moments.
One protective response to that unconscious fear of judgment is to never be too vulnerable in certain areas. Never give someone evidence that might lead to an assumption about who I really am.
Words like these wound us to the core:
if you tried a bit harder…
if you weren’t such a screw-up…
if you didn’t have that long, dark past…
if you REALLY loved the people in your life that you’re hurting…
Judgments lead to instant relational barriers. And PAST judgments leave us with corrupted beliefs about who we are, how God sees us, and how safe it is to trust other people.
But that wall of perfectionism or religious legalism is a TOUGH facade to keep up - and it’s all based on this insecure fear. So anxious energy - which is real energy in the body - is produced all the time to keep the shield powered up. And as damaging as the energy is… it feels good and helpful moment. It helps us avoid the fear of judgment and the pain of shallow relationships.
If no one knows my struggles, then no one knows me.
In his fantastic book The Cure, John Lynch says “When I wear a mask, only the mask receives love.” Legalism creates distance between me and God - if I don’t let Him behind the mask, I don’t get the grace I need. And perfectionism creates distance between me and others - if I don’t show them what’s really going on, then I don’t get the support I need.
Unfortunately, the next stop on the spiral is where it gets rough.
My personal legalism or perfectionism comes naturally paired with a judgmental attitude toward others.
There is an intense connection between my fear of judgment and how I judge others.
Listen to Jesus talk about this in Matthew 7:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?”
He isn’t just posing an interesting idea… he’s asking a question! And we need to answer it!
WHY do we do it?
WHY do we turn our attention to sawdust in someone else’s eye? Notice, he said LOOK and not TAKE OUT… he knows we’re not doing it to be helpful. If we were helpful… we’d take it out and provide our friend some relief from a perpetually itchy eye!
The reality is that I’m using the dust in your eye to block my view of the plank in mine.
My plank scares me. But your sawdust relieves me of that fear for a moment. It diverts my attention away from my inadequacy and toward yours.
And right BEFORE that statement, Jesus describes how this destroys our relationships and continues the spiral:
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
And this is not a fear-mongering statement about God raining down judgment on my head because I judged someone else. God is not petty like that.
But we humans ARE. And we’re defensive.
I throw my judgment at you, you throw it back on me, and we continue “protecting ourselves” by further isolating from each each other so we never have to face the reality of our fears. The spiral continues, until someone decides to break out.
Intentional vulnerability is the only way to break the spiral of perfectionism and legalism.
We don’t start with doing things less perfectly. We don’t throw out the guardrails and try some new bad behavior on for size. Everything we attempt on our own just furthers our isolation and buries us deeper in the hole that we dug.
And we have to remember that the problem isn’t perfectionism or legalism - they’re just symptoms of fear.
Fear of shame.
Fear of betrayal.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of being known.
That kind of fear is not unfounded, either. It comes from real experiences, wounds, and messages from throughout life.
So the next right thing to do is face that fear and choose to be vulnerable. It doesn’t even have to be the whole story yet - just choose something.
A mistake. Something that made you mad. A fleeting moment of envy.
Intentionally share that something with someone you trust. Don’t ask for advice or a fix. And stop someone before they give it to you! The point is to be seen, known, and still loved.
Test the waters of vulnerability, record the new experience, and take the next brave step toward wholeness.
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