Don’t think about pink elephants
Sorry… now you’re definitely thinking about pink elephants.
Little mind tricks like this are all fun and games when it’s pink elephants. But what about when we hear things that cut a little deeper? And worse… what about when it’s our own brains that tell us not to think about pink elephants?
“I’ll never be enough. Our relationship will never be fixed.”
“I’m too far gone. I clearly can’t change, or I would’ve by now.”
“I shouldn’t trust anyone - I’ll just get hurt.”
“If anyone knew the real me, they’d run away.”
Every single one of us has a list of thoughts like these that force their way into the front of our minds consistently. And there’s a reason they’re not positive ones! We all have a clear and noticeable negativity bias as humans:
Negative thoughts stick in our minds, command our attention, affect how we relate to God and others, gain more traction as we pick up more evidence for them, and then end up doing physical damage to our brains and bodies over time. (watch the expert, Dr. Caroline Leaf, for more on toxic thoughts VS. healthy thoughts and their physical effects!)
We need a solution to our problem with intrusive negative thoughts. And unfortunately, you may have been told to “stop thinking that way” or “keep your mind on positive things instead.”
Or even worse, you’ve had Philippians 4:8 thrown at you inappropriately as if it would magically fix the constant anxiety you struggle with or shut up your inner critic once and for all: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
So why is “thinking about positive things instead of negative things” such a big problem?
Simple: it just. doesn’t. work.
• • • • • • • • • •
In the book Peak Mind: Find Your Focus, Own Your Attention, Invest 12 Minutes a Day, neuroscientist Amishi P. Jha explains why this strategy or “positive thought replacement” doesn’t jive with how God wired our brains: "
“While there is substantial research that positive is beneficial under many circumstances, tactics like positivity or suppression are not merely ineffective during periods of high stress and high demand - they can actually be damaging. (…) This effort sucks up cognitive resources. Stress goes up, mood worsens. (…) You’re in a downward spiral, cognitively depleted and less able to cope and function.”
Even at the most basic neurological level, NOT thinking about pink elephants is a terrible way to stop thinking about pink elephants.
And she was just writing about things that distract us. She wasn’t talking about deep-seated fears, recurring worry about the future, destructive cravings and behaviors that just won’t go away… or any of the other big hitters that we want so desperately to make go away for good.
In reality, our inability to simply shoo away negative thoughts is not a “bug” in our system. It’s a “feature.” It’s part of God’s intentional design.
To really change, we have to stop seeing negative thoughts, emotions, and even behaviors as problems -
and start seeing them as information about the real problem.
• • • • • • • • • •
The Bible has a very consistent theme that we need to zoom in on to figure this out:
What we do is an overflow of who we are.
Behaviors are evidence of what is in the heart.
We act based on what we believe.
And spoiler alert… that heart isn’t in your chest. It’s in your brain.
And since God wants us to be whole and healthy humans, He wired our brains to constantly seek resolution. Our minds will not let us rest until we resolve what’s broken, confused, or misaligned in our hearts. That’s exactly what Paul was talking about when he said in Romans 12, “…be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
So if we shouldn’t actually STOP the negative thoughts that threaten us, spiral us out of control, or keep us up at night… what do we do?
Well, here’s a start:
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
We can only demolish what we first choose to turn and face.
Step 1: Face the Intruders
If thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are evidence of the real issue that needs to be resolved, then that evidence has to be faced. We spend a huge amount of energy avoiding our fears, emotions, and worries - but they just grow stronger in the dark corners of our hearts.
Proactively approach what you’ve been avoiding. Write them down at length. Speak them out loud, maybe even to a trusted friend. Expose what lives in darkness to the power of some good old-fashioned sunlight - even just facing what we fear takes away some of its power.
And remember, God promises to be with us IN the valley of the shadow of death - not off to the side of it. So if we want to find more of the presence of God, that’s where we’ll find it.
Step 2: Examine the Evidence
Our minds may be the home of our fears and intrusive thoughts - but our minds are not our enemies. The main reason suppressing thoughts we don’t like doesn’t work is that they’re usually not totally wrong. Every good lie has just the right amount of truth mixed in, right?
Our negative or destructive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are based on actual evidence: real pain, real fears, and real needs.
It’s our job to examine that evidence and sort out what is false, what is true, and (the largest category) what is unclear. Our minds are expert storytellers, so they consistently fill in the gaps between data points to construct a complete story. It just so happens… the story we tell ourselves is usually much worse than the reality.
Only when we’ve examined the evidence thoroughly can we move toward resolution.
Step 3: Move Toward Resolution
What did you realize was false?
What was just a baseless claim that your mind invented in the absence of any real evidence? What was assumed and inflated beyond reality? What was actually someone else’s pain or fear that they projected onto you?
Now you have a response to those thoughts when they show back up. You don’t have to suppress them or visualize puppies and tropical vacations as a replacement. You can face them, take them captive, and prove them wrong.
What did you realize was unclear?
This is usually the biggest category. And it’s a great opportunity! When we realize that we lack information about the health of a relationship, what someone thinks of us, or how we’re doing at something, we can finally replace our assumptions with information.
So go and get clarity! Most of our fears are relational in some way. Even if they’re personal thoughts about your worth, your value, and your significance - those aren’t things you can give yourself. They’re gifts from God, AND they’re gifts from others. So go take the risk to have honest conversations (with God AND with others) and ask for the clarity you need.
“What did you mean when you said that?”
”How am I doing at ________?”
”Would you like to spend more time with me?”
”Is there anything off between us? Is there anything you need to tell me?”
Honest conversations are the only way to get evidence of what’s true, which gets rid of the need for our hearts to fill in the gaps and invent more stories.
What did you realize was true?
This is the hard one. This is where we have to encounter our pain and feel it. This is the part we’re usually actually avoiding. This is actual evidence that something is wrong: there is a real problem, you had a part to play, and there was a real cost.
But this is also the only place we find grace.
Resolution is waiting on the other side of vulnerability with God and others.
And resolution should look a lot like healing.
Start with an honest conversation with God about what has happened, what you’ve done, or what you’re afraid of. But don’t ask for strength to do better next time. Don’t ask for more forgiveness so you can be made clean again. You already are. Jesus’ work on the cross was complete and sufficient; it took away our fear of condemnation forever.
God is much more interested in healing you than he is in fixing you.
You’re not a machine that needs to be optimized for maximum output -
you’re a broken human that God wants to make whole.
So just ask Him what He thinks of you. Ask Him how He sees you. Ask Him how He wants to make you whole.
But don’t stop there: the work isn’t done.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16)
Forgiveness is the result of our vulnerability and honesty with God.
HEALING is the result of our vulnerability and honesty with OTHERS.
If you wronged someone, ask for forgiveness and do the work to repair it.
If resentment is growing inside you, address it and tell someone how they’ve hurt you.
If you’re hurting, confused, or feel like you lack direction and purpose… TELL SOMEONE.
Figure out what you need and vulnerably ask for help. Allow yourself to be fully known so you have the opportunity to be deeply loved. That’s healing - the resolution your heart has been longing for.
Resolution like that takes hard work, it doesn’t always go well, and it’s not always very straightforward. If you’re going to mine for the real issue beneath all the convoluted evidence, stories you’ve been telling yourself, and real pain that you’ve expertly avoided… you’ll need a guide and a partner.
If you’re ready to be done with stuck and become equipped to go through this process and more in your everyday life, make sure you’re subscribed so you can hear about something we’re rolling out soon! We’ll go on the journey together!
